New Thoughts....And Old

Wow...a lot has gone on since February...

I'm getting geared up for my birthday next year, a trip this summer with one of the biggest influences in my life EVER, a possible vacation in KY in the fall, three upcoming craft fairs, a potential return to dancing, Fan Fest next month with mom, and heading back to the west coast at the first of the year.  So much going on, I barely have time to think, much less do anything else.

I know I don't have photos posted yet of my trip to KY earlier this month to pay my respects, but they are coming soon!  There was some slight drama at the cemetery this year too, but I'm not getting into that.  As I told Amanda (a fellow crafter), and another friend, unless the other party is in a life threatening situation, tries to get a hold of me directly, I don't want to speak or think about that crap from this point on.  Life is too fucking short to go around with a chip on your shoulder, a stick up your ass, and carrying a grudge that would make the rivalry between DDP and Savage look like child's play.  I tried my damnedest to offer an olive branch, and it was thrown in my face.  From this point on, if anything is to come of that, it'll be on the other end making an effort.  I'm through wasting my time with it.

I've been hearing a lot of people talk about their "bestie" here lately, and I've finally figured out why the hell that word bothers the crap out of me.  It's because I don't believe in it, and I never have.  I refuse to elevate the status of one person who is special to me over another.  All of my friends are important to me, and are bonded to me in their own way.  I don't have one that's closer than the others, or that I trust more than anyone else.  Believe it or not, I didn't use that word when the person who possibly could've been called that more so than anyone else I know was alive.  She didn't like it either.

"People who go around flaunting that title, want all their other friends to feel less than because they think they don't have the same sort of relationship with that person.  That's total bullshit dude.  Why would you do that sort of crap to anyone you call a friend?"

Why indeed...

Why Bother?

Y'know, I'm really really tired of giving a damn about people who don't deserve it.  I'm tired of opening myself up to new people again and again and again, and all I get is patted on the head and stuck in the corner the instant they decide they no longer have a use for me. 

I already feel like I'm less than a human being thanks to a couple of people who supposedly were my "sisters".  I can't do this anymore.

The Scrubbing of Stories and Scrapping of Acrylics

All fan fics were scrubbed yesterday.  Don't panic that's scrubbed, not scrapped.  What that means is that I simply have too much handwritten material for each of my fan fic stories (which at last count there were a half dozen), and it's to the point that I don't know which version I intended to go with, and which one is considered a re-write.  So, everything was scrubbed yesterday, and all stories are either being started from scratch, or with a clean slate should they be pieces that are currently in progress.  It's the only way I can keep everything straight in my mind.

It is with a heavy heart that I've decided to give up my acrylic nails.  For starters I throw freight three out of the five nights I work, and that alone is pure hell on them.  On top of that, it's $27 per visit (I don't do full color, I do french tips--and I tip well b/c of how stiff my hands are), and I go twice a month, so that's $54 a month I could be putting towards groceries or paying a bill. My plan is to let them grow out until my birthday, and then have them soak off whatever is left, which I'm hoping will salvage at least part of my nails.  If I didn't think it would look grotesquely odd I'd trim them back every so often, as I have a feeling they're going to make life incredibly difficult before next month gets here.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Can you tell I'm excited yet?  Just over a month to go and everything is coming together completely perfect.  I'm getting custom artwork done for my invitations, and that should be in by the end of the week.  Everyone I've asked so far is definitely into going, my parents are behind everything I wanna do (and are giving me a gift this year that's absolutely unbelievable), and I'm determined to spend this year ANYWHERE EXCEPT MY BEDROOM!

I'm making a custom gorjuss fan art t-shirt to wear that I hope I can get finished in time.  I'm going to send my artwork to Zazzle, and have them print it...then finish customizing it from there.  This is what the artwork looks like:

The skull and heart are from Suzanne's paint shop pro brushes, and I painted in the stripes by hand on psp. Next stop is to find the material that I want to use to make the sleeves.  I've got one last fabric store to hit, then I'll be looking online.

God I can't wait!

Birthday Weekend

Not wanting to go to PF alone...I decided to rearrange things.


17th:
-Me day....nails, haircut, etc.  Also to make sure I sleep AT night, so I can be with friends all day.

18th:
-Hang out with friends, go to favorite place in Nashville for lunch...goof around on 2nd Ave and Broadway.
-Possible nightcap with parents (got a favorite alcoholic beverage I want, and I don't D&D).

19th (Actual Birthday):
-Dinner with family members at the Loveless Cafe

20th:
-Recoup, get myself BACK on 3rd shift time.

New Year's Resolutions

STOP THE WORK/SLEEP CYCLE

Everyday I come home, change straight into pj's and start making plans to go to bed.  If I'm going to get out of this nasty cycle, I gotta stop that.  There are easy ways to change it, by putting on clothes instead of pj's when I get home, and taking the extra five minutes to make the bed when I get up at night.  It's easier not to want to lay around and use the excuse "I could go out but I'd have to get dressed", if I take away the two biggest excuse triggers.

SPEND ONE DAY EACH WEEK FOR ME

As it stands now, the only time I leave the house is to go to work, even on weekends/payday weekends.  I used to spend one day each week just doing what I wanted, and on payday weekends I'd go out to do that and cap that off by grocery shopping.  I need to start doing that again.  I always feel so much more relaxed every other Friday when I go get my nails done, and I think I need to start taking advantage of that, and figuring out something to do on the weeks that I don't go get that done.

GET INTO THE GYM

The pooch needs to go.  It's not baby weight.  It's called "coming home and doing nothing but lying around til you go to bed" weight, in combination with poor eating habits.  I gotta find somewhere that has trainer's, that are affordable.  I need the trainer because I know me, if I don't have some sort of motivation to go, I'll use every excuse in the book to keep from going.

DO SOME SERIOUS PURGING

I don't mean the kind of purging where I stick my finger down my throat.  I'm talking about getting rid of some of the toxic energy I continue to keep myself surrounded with.  I still wear a ring on my thumb given to me by an ex, and I have a ton of stuff in this room that goes back to the psycho who tried to kill me.  I need to get rid of it and rid myself of the negative energy. Believe it or not I started to cleanse myself of it when I moved back home from CA and she sold a lot of my stuff.  90% of it was stuff that either she or April gave me.

I want to write letters to certain people, who I feel I still need to get some things off my chest about.  I don't know if I should send them or what, but I know I need to get rid of the energy that I keep focused on that.

I have a ton of Xena merchandise still sitting in boxes in the closet in my spare room.  Time to actually get that posted to e-bay and do something positive with the funds.  Perhaps that'll be the starting point for the trips I want to take for my 33rd, 34th, and 35th birthdays.  The ring? It's a Xena collectors item that's hard to come by anymore, I could probably fund a really nice weekend away somewhere with.

GET BUDGET BACK ON TRACK

My spending habits are atrocious. I need to sit down and figure up how much I'm spending a month on bills, and then see what my grocery budget is, rather than what it should be.  I could do way better than I am, I just need to sit down and actually do it.  And then I gotta find the right motivation to stick to it.  I think that lies in the bank, and finding out if there's a way to put funds into an account that I cannot touch until an agreed upon future date.  It's the only way I'll be able to actually save anything.

STOP EATING SO MUCH FAST FOOD

There's a McDonald's in the Wal-Mart where I work.  And what's worse? It's open 24 hours just like we are.  I guarantee I spend $100 out of every paycheck on food from there.  This ties in with getting into the gym, as I know that the combination of this, and coming home sitting on my ass is the reason I'm now in a Lg top, that would've swallowed me whole two years ago, and even it's starting to get a little on the tight side.  I started purchasing dress clothes that will hide my bulge rather than do something to get rid of it.  And that's no good.  I refuse to go into double digits on pants sizes.  And cutting off the fast food is one way I can keep that from happening.